


like a pair of horror movie twins

by adamganseys



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 17:38:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5136701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamganseys/pseuds/adamganseys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan’s eyes were still wide, his fists still clenched, his breathing still loud. It seemed like he was trembling just a little. Jesus. He really was terrified. </p><p>Adam didn’t know why he did it. He didn’t know what came over him in that moment. He didn’t know what spirit had possessed him. He knew it was a dangerous thing to do, something he couldn’t take back. But he did it anyways. </p><p>Adam moved his hand a few inches over, lifted it, and gently placed it on Ronan’s tight fist. </p><p>*</p><p>(Adam and Ronan watch a horror movie at St. Agnes and though he refuses to admit it, Ronan is completely terrified. So terrified that he might need to hold Adam's hand during it. So terrified that he might need to sleep next to Adam on his mattress so he can actually fall asleep afterwards.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	like a pair of horror movie twins

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much my first fic ever, so feedback would be super duper appreciated (but, y'know, be gentle). I hope I didn't screw up Adam and Ronan's characterizations too badly. If you see any mistakes or typos or inaccuracies or whatever, please let me know!

It was 9:45 pm, and Adam had just gotten started on his homework. It was a Friday, but he knew he probably wouldn't have time to do it this weekend, so he needed to be as productive as he could tonight. Maybe then he could actually get a few hours of sleep over the next two days.

So, of course, there was a loud bang on the door. Adam sighed, and stayed still. Maybe if he pretended the noise, and the person who had made the noise, wasn't there, it would go away.

"Open the fuck up, Parrish, I know you're there."

No suck luck.

Adam got up, gave his homework a last mournful glance, and opened the door.

Ronan Lynch barged into his apartment, his shoulder brushing Adam's as he passed by. Despite himself, Adam shivered at the bare touch.

He turned around, his voice wary. "What are you doing here, Lynch? I have work to get done."

"Couldn't sleep," Ronan said simply, automatically, even though it was only 9:45 pm and Adam knew Ronan wouldn't even attempt to go to bed before 12, if then. Ronan seemed to realize this a second later, and added, "And I was bored as hell. Gansey's balls deep in his fucking research and who knows where the fuck Noah is."

"So, naturally, you're going to bother me until I get a headache to entertain yourself."

Ronan grinned. "Naturally."

Truth be told, Adam wasn't that disappointed. He knew he needed to get a lot of shit done, but the prospect of just hanging out with Ronan, even if that was going to involve doing something illegal and dangerous, seemed a lot more inviting and tempting than the pile of Pre Calc homework that was lying on his desk.

"So, where to now?" Adam wondered what Ronan was going to rope him into tonight. They were probably going to drive at 120 mph, almost die, and then break into private property like they had a couple weeks ago.

"Your bed," Ronan said casually. Adam froze, but Ronan just pulled out a laptop from his backpack that Adam hadn't noticed he'd brought and walked over to Adam's mattress. Adam took a deep breath, snapping himself out of the momentary surprise. _Relax. It's just Ronan._ But _Ronan_ wasn't something Adam could preface with _just_ anymore.

Adam sighed. "What are you doing?"

"We're watching a movie."

"I -- We're -- what?"

"So, what'll it be? Titanic or The Notebook?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "So we're not doing anything illegal tonight?"

Ronan considered. "Well, streaming is technically illegal, isn't it?"

Adam stared. Ronan sat down on the left side of his mattress, and tapped the spot next to him. "Come on. Leonardo DiCaprio is waiting for you."

Adam made a face. "We're not really watching Titanic, are we?"

Ronan smirked. "Why? Afraid you're gonna start crying?"

"No."

"No, we're not watching Titanic, Parrish. Or The Notebook. You can decide whatever movie you want to watch, I don't really care. Unless it's a shitty movie. Then I care." Adam was about to point out how it would be impossible to get wifi connection for streaming here, but then he saw Ronan pull out a portable hotspot. Of course.

"Alright, well. Let me change first." Adam was still in his work clothes, having been too exhausted and lazy to change into something more comfortable when he reached St. Agnes. Normally, he’d just wear his boxers, especially since it was too warm in his apartment, but for some reason, he felt weird about wearing nothing but boxers, or even boxers with a t-shirt, in front of Ronan. It shouldn’t have felt weird. _It’s just Ronan_. But those words didn’t feel any truer the second time. 

Adam took out a faded black t-shirt and grey sweatpants and stepped into the bathroom. After he took off his dirty, grease stained clothes from the day, he stared at himself in his dusty mirror. The skin underneath his eyes was dark, darker than it had been in a while. The freckles across his nose and cheeks were more prominent tonight; though some people thought of freckles as a unique and attractive feature, to Adam, they were just another flaw, just more blemishes on his already dirty and scarred and disfigured body. If he went lower, his chest was marked with faded bruises and marks, and his ribs protruded out just a little bit, a sign that he hadn’t been able to afford the time or money to eat enough lately.

Adam breathed, put on his clean clothes, and stepped outside.

Ronan looked up from the screen. “Fucking finally. Took you long enough. What were you doing in there, Jesus.” Adam opened his mouth to retort, probably with something clever like, _No I was not having sex with Jesus_ , but Ronan quickly continued, “Just come here and pick a movie already.”

As Adam sat down on the bed next to him, Ronan looked like he was about to say something, but suddenly, he froze mid-breath. Adam followed his eyes to small bottle of hand lotion that sat on the cardboard box next to Adam that he used as a side table. Adam felt flustered, all of a sudden, and he hoped his face wasn’t turning red. _Manibus. For your hands_.

Adam looked back at Ronan; from what he could tell, his face looked shocked, but was otherwise unreadable. Adam cleared his throat. “It works.”

“What?” Ronan’s voice was not much louder than a whisper, sounding hoarse and almost… scared. Or maybe Adam was just imagining it. Ronan’s face was turned toward him but he didn’t meet his eyes.

“The lotion. It, uh. It works. Really well. I use it almost every day,” Adam admitted. A pause. “Thanks,” he added.

Ronan looked away, looked down, started chewing on his leather bands. “Yeah, man. Whatever. No problem.”

Adam was going to drop it, but something compelled him to keep on going. “When I was a kid, I used to… I used to lick my hands, because they were always so chapped and dry and just…,” Adam trailed off. “Well, anyways. Apparently that just makes them even more dry. But this lotion, it… it’s perfect.” He hesitated. “You dreamt it, right?" 

He stared intently at Ronan, willing him to return his gaze. After a moment, he did. Adam saw him swallow, and then he nodded.

“It really helps after all the work in the factory and fixing those cars.” Adam snorted with self-deprecation, looking down at his hands. “Not sure anything can make my hands not ugly anymore, they’re too far gone for that, but—“

“They’re not ugly.”

Adam whipped his head up, staring at the other boy. Ronan had said it quickly, hurriedly, without hesitation, as if it was an instinct. Adam had heard exactly what he said, but still, he asked, “What?”

Ronan flushed and looked away. His voice was quieter this time, almost as if he was partially hoping that Adam wouldn’t hear him. “Your hands, they’re… they’re not ugly.”

Adam didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything.

Ronan cleared his throat. “Now pick a fucking movie, Parrish.” 

“I can’t just…. _pick a movie_. Give me some options. Genres. Narrow it down.”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “We’re going to be here all night.” Adam raised his eyebrows. “Fine. Uh. Alright. I’m pulling up Netflix.”

“You have a Netflix account?" 

“It’s Declan’s.”

“I thought we were streaming illegally.”

“If you want to do something illegal that badly, I’ll come over tomorrow and we can make it happen. For now, pick a movie. Do you want to watch… a drama?” Adam shook his head. He didn’t want to watch anything too serious and depressing. “How about a comedy?” Adam thought about it, but he wasn’t really feeling a comedy tonight either. “Parrish-“

“Just keep going.”

Ronan glared at him, but kept going. “How about…. A romantic comedy? A romance?” His voice was sarcastic, and Adam didn’t bother to respond. “A thriller? Action movie? Documentary? Historical Drama? Movies featuring a Strong Female Lead? Independent Dra—“

Adam interrupted him. “How about a horror movie?”

Ronan stared at him. “A horror movie.”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t like any of the other 78 genres I just listed?”

Adam smirked, reveling in Ronan’s obvious discomfort. “Are you scared of horror movies, Ronan?”

Ronan scoffed. “Of course I’m not fucking _scared_.” 

“Right.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay.”

“I’m _not._ ”

“I said _okay_ , Lynch.”

Ronan started to chew on his leather bands again. His voice was muffled when he said, “So… you really want to watch a horror movie? Won’t it, like, make it hard for you to fall asleep or whatever?” 

Adam gave him a knowing look. “I want to watch a horror movie. Take it or leave it.”

Though he was certainly excited to see Ronan’s likely hilarious reaction to the movie, Adam also genuinely loved watching horror movies, the rare times he got the chance to watch them. Adam knew it was stupid, but they made him feel brave. Strong. He wasn’t scared at all. What did he have to be scared of, anyways? He had faced far worse things than those on the screen. What were ghosts and witches, demons and serial killers, evil curses and unknown creatures, when Adam had faced the _real_ monsters. Michael Myers had nothing on Robert Parrish, the Devil had nothing on the demons that lived inside Adam’s head. He wasn’t afraid, not of something so _trivial_ compared to the horrors in his own life.

He remembered a sweltering summer day with Gansey at the movie theater. Gansey had dragged him there, telling him that this new horror movie about a haunted house and the supernatural sounded great! It’d be thrilling. It could even give them some new perspective on their quest, maybe.

“Please,” Gansey had pleaded. “Ronan won’t come with me and Jane’s busy and I don’t know where Noah is but I really doubt he’d want to come see a ghost movie with me. And even if he did, it probably wouldn’t be very polite to ask.” And then Gansey gave him that look, that Gansey Look, the one that no one could refuse.

So Adam went, and for the first forty five minutes of the movie, Gansey sat with wide eyes, clutching Adam’s arm so tightly that he was sure it left marks, using his other hand to cover his eyes whenever a particularly scary moment was on screen, occasionally even letting out a small yelp of fear or surprise. After those first forty five minutes, Gansey said he was “going to the restroom.” Adam didn’t know if Gansey went to the restroom. Perhaps he did. But he certainly never came back from it. Adam watched the whole movie, finally being able to enjoy it without Gansey sinking his nails into his arm and letting out whining noises the entire time. 

After the movie ended, Adam found Gansey waiting near where the Pig was parked. “Adam,” Gansey said brightly. “Well, that was an excellent film, wasn’t it.”

Adam snorted. “If it was, you sure as hell wouldn’t know.” 

Gansey’s face crumpled. “You won’t tell anyone else about this, will you? Especially not Jane or Ronan. God, please don’t tell them. They’ll never let me live it down.”

Adam grinned. “Oh, I’m absolutely going to tell them.” And he did. Ronan and Blue made fun of Gansey for at least a week.

Now, sitting here with Ronan, he couldn’t wait to tell Gansey that Ronan was just as terrified as he was. Maybe both of them could have a horror movie marathon together.

Adam wondered if Ronan would clutch Adam’s arm like Gansey did. When Gansey did it, Adam just rolled his eyes and glared at him until he loosened his grip. But when he thought of Ronan doing the same thing, he felt himself heating up inside.

Ronan relented to Adam’s wishes, and they scrolled through the various options. “How about Child’s Play,” Adam asked. 

“The one with the freaky doll coming to life? Are you fucking kidding me?” 

Adam sighed. “Okay, what about Rosemary’s Baby?”

“ _Fuck_ no. That’s creepy as hell.”

“The Omen?”

Ronan shook his head.

“Halloween?”

Ronan scrunched his eyebrows. “Is that the Disney movie about the town with that big pumpkin or whatever?”

“What? No, Ronan, that’s Halloween _town_.”

“Oh. Well, we can watch that, then.”

“Just admit you’re scared.”

Ronan glared at him, but it was probably the least scary thing in the world, considering the context. “Never.”

“Well then pick a movie or I’m going to sleep.” 

Ronan took a deep breath. “Fine. Fine. Let’s just watch the first one you mentioned. What was it? Right, Child’s Play. We can watch that.”

“You’re sure? Because if you’re scared—“

“I’m _not_ scared,” Ronan growled. 

“If you’re scared,” Adam repeated, “say it now. Because if we start I’m making you watch this thing until the end.”

“Just start the goddamn movie, Parrish." 

Adam smirked, enjoying every minute of this. “Hold on. First I need to switch the lights off.”

“You’re not serious.”

“What’s the fun of watching a horror movie with the lights on?” Adam ignored the look Ronan gave him, and leaned over to turn off the lamp.

Then, with the huge laptop sitting a few feet in front of them, Adam started the movie.

For the first fifteen minutes, it was okay. As the movie began, Adam had unconsciously leaned into Ronan, so now their shoulders, their arms, their legs, every part of them was touching. He noticed the way Ronan had stiffened. He noticed the way his own heart started beating faster, how every inch of his skin that touched Ronan felt like it was on fire, like it was electrified. He noticed how, for a second, he thought he’d die if he didn’t get to touch more of Ronan. He noticed how Ronan kept sneaking looks at him, his gaze burning and hot and _wanting_ , and how he looked away when Adam caught him. He noticed all of those things, and then he tried to ignore the fact that he noticed them.

No such luck.

The movie was finally starting to get a little more intense and creepy. Adam turned to look at Ronan. His feet were stretched out in front of him, with his arms at his sides. His hands clutched the sheets on Adam’s mattress, fists clenched, knuckles white.

Adam let himself smile smugly at him. “You okay there, Lynch?” His voice was sweet as honey.

Ronan glared at him, and said through gritted teeth, “I’m fucking fine. I’m great.” 

“Whatever you say. If you’re about to cry, just let me know beforehand, so I can fetch the Kleenex.”

And then, Ronan Lynch let out a beautiful poem of the most scathing, hideous swear words he could think of, and for a moment Adam just let himself enjoy the way the words sounded coming from Ronan’s lips, let himself enjoy Ronan’s passionate expression as he carefully and lovingly strung the harsh sounds together. He tried not to think about how seeing the way Ronan’s lips moved angrily made him want to close the space between them and… 

No, he definitely couldn’t think about that.

After a few seconds, or minutes, or hours, Ronan finally stopped and took a deep breath. Adam was still staring at him – staring at his lips, specifically. And he couldn’t get himself to look away. It was as if he was in a trance.

Ronan wrinkled his eyebrows. “What?”

Adam startled. “Huh?”

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

Adam blushed, and he was glad for the darkness of the room. “No reason. Are you done yelling now?” 

Ronan glared at him. “No, Parrish, I’m not fucking—“

“Great,” Adam said. “Let’s get back to the movie, then.”

They got back to the movie.

Ronan’s fists never unclenched.

That is, until forty-five minutes in, when they reached the scariest part thus far, and Ronan’s hand suddenly grabbed Adam’s wrist, tightly, as if he was grabbing on for dear life. His eyes were wide as he watched the screen.

Adam stopped breathing. Seconds passed. Ronan didn’t move his hand, or his eyes. He didn’t seem to realize what he’d done. It was as if he clutched Adam purely from instinct. As if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Adam’s wrist burned where Ronan’s fingers held it. More seconds passed by. Ronan stayed in the exact same position.

Adam cleared his throat. Ronan finally looked over at him, his eyes dropping to where his hand was. His eyes grew even wider than before, if it was possible, and he snatched his hand away as if Adam’s skin was on fire and it was burning Ronan, hurting him.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ronan said, his voice low and embarrassed. “Sorry,” he mumbled, looking down, to his side, anywhere except at Adam. Even though the lights were off, Adam could see the deep flush on Ronan’s cheeks, the laptop screen lighting up his face, his mortified expression crystal clear.

Adam’s voice was scratchy and higher than normal when he said, “S’fine. Don’t worry about it.” He cringed at how strong his Henrietta accent came out. Normally, he would have made fun of Ronan again, since him grabbing his arm was clearly a result of being scared senseless, but he was so undone by the feel of Ronan’s hand on his skin that he couldn’t do it. _Get yourself together, Adam. It’s just Ronan_. _Just Ronan._ Nope. The useless mantra still wasn’t working. Maybe he needed to come up with a better one.

They both turned their eyes back to the movie, their bodies no longer touching at any point, though they were still close together. It was kind of impossible not to be, on a bed that size.

Things were okay for another fifteen minutes. Until another scary scene (well, they weren’t scary to Adam) came up. Adam heard Ronan’s sharp intake of breath, and noticed how his hand twitched sharply towards Adam’s direction, as if he was going to grab his hand again. But then he took another deep breath, and clenched his fists once again. It seemed to take a lot of effort on his part.

Adam ignored the feeling of disappointment that was sharp and heavy in his gut. His wrist felt cold.

Ronan’s eyes were still wide, his fists still clenched, his breathing still loud. It seemed like he was trembling just a little. Jesus. He really was terrified.

Adam didn’t know why he did it. He didn’t know what came over him in that moment. He didn’t know what spirit had possessed him. He knew it was a dangerous thing to do, something he couldn’t take back. But he did it anyways. 

Adam moved his hand a few inches over, lifted it, and gently placed it on Ronan’s tight fist.

Ronan let out a soft gasp, and out of Adam’s peripheral vision, he could see Ronan’s head turning sharply toward him. Adam kept his eyes on the screen, though, decidedly not looking at Ronan.

Seconds passed. Neither of their hands moved. Neither of them breathed, either, Adam was sure.

After a few more seconds, Adam lightly squeezed Ronan’s hand. Ronan swallowed.

Adam moved his body just slightly closer to Ronan, so their legs, their shoulders, their arms, were touching again. Ronan swallowed. 

For the remaining twenty minutes of the movie, they stayed in that exact position. Ronan’s eyes were still wide, his fists still clenched, his body still stiff. But he had stopped shaking, and Adam could hear his breathing slow down and come easier.

When the credits started to roll, Adam finally moved his hand off Ronan’s. He leaned to his right, and turned on the light. “Well,” Ronan said, sounding almost angry. Or scared. Or nervous. Or all three. Adam couldn’t really tell. “That was a shitty fucking movie, Parrish. I hope you’re happy for wasting an hour and a half of my time. More, actually, considering it took you a goddamn year to pick it.” 

Adam turned to him, mild annoyance quickly turning into anger. “ _You’re_ the one who came here wanting to watch a movie. I had a shitload of work to do, and I wanted to do it tonight so I could actually get some sleep and rest this weekend, but of course you had to barge in and force me to entertain you. We’re not all as lucky as you, Ronan. Some of us don’t have all the free time in the world to do whatever we want.” Adam didn’t know why he was so upset. This was expected of Ronan, really. He was usually an even bigger asshole than this.

Still, there was a strange feeling of hurt growing inside him. Maybe putting his hand over Ronan’s, stealing touches, whatever else he did because he obviously wasn’t in his right mind…. Maybe all of that was a mistake. 

Ronan glared at him. “Whatever.” He got up, dramatically, angrily, started to walk towards the door. “I’m going back to Monmouth.”

When he reached the door, Adam called, “Lynch.”

Ronan’s voice was acidic. “ _What?_ ”

“You forgot your laptop,” Adam said drily. “And your backpack. And your cell phone. And pretty much everything you brought with you.”

Ronan let out a frustrated groan. He walked back to the bed, and as he was gathering his stuff, Adam spoke again, this time quietly, hesitantly. “Ronan.”

“What is it now, Parrish?”

“It’s midnight.”

“I know what time it is.”

“Well, it’s late.” It wasn’t that late, not for Ronan. “You shouldn’t drive back at this hour.” Ronan had driven back at much later hours. “Everyone will be asleep.” Gansey was probably awake. “Just…. just stay here, man.” He tried to keep his voice casual. He failed miserably.

Ronan stared at him for a second, meeting his eyes. Then he dropped his backpack off of his shoulder to the floor. “Okay.” Both his voice and his expression were unreadable.

“Okay?”

“Okay,” Ronan repeated, simply.

Adam nodded. “Okay. So.”

“So?” 

Adam gulped, suddenly flustered. “So, here.” Adam tossed him a blanket. “Goodnight.” 

Ronan took his usual place on Adam’s floor. “Night.” Adam turned off the light and closed his eyes.

It was silent for a few minutes. Adam could hear Ronan’s heavy breathing. Then, Ronan shifted. Tossed. Turned. And did it again. And again. His breathing got more unsteady. Ten minutes later, he let out a frustrated sigh. And then tossed and turned some more.

Finally, after about twenty-five more minutes of this, Adam said something. “Ronan. Are you okay?” Ronan was never one to fall asleep easily, if he managed to fall asleep at all, and him being restless wasn’t exactly unusual. But it was never this extreme. Ronan normally endured his sleepless nights in silence, at least when lying next to Adam’s mattress at St. Agnes.

“I’m peachy.” Ronan spoke through gritted teeth again.

“Okay.” Adam didn’t push.

After a minute or two, “You just _had_ to pick a creepy ass horror movie to watch, didn’t you?”

Adam couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Ha!” He tried to keep the glee out of his voice, but it was difficult. “You _were_ scared.”

“Fuck you.” But there was no heat in Ronan’s voice.

“Do you need me to go get your nightlight?”

“ _Fuck_ you.” A little bit of heat crept in. Adam kept smiling.

It was silent again, for a few moments.

Adam swallowed. It was like the moment he put his hand over Ronan’s. Something possessed him. He had no control over himself. He was someone else. At least, that’s what he told himself. “You could…. You could always sleep here. On the mattress.” _Fuck_.

Adam couldn’t hear Ronan’s breathing anymore. “What?” Adam had to strain his working ear as hard as he could to hear the question.

“You could sleep here. If it would help.” 

More silence. The silence was full, tense, heavy with words unsaid.

“And where exactly,” Ronan asked, “would you sleep, then, Parrish?”

Adam almost rolled his eyes. “On the mattress. Next to you. That’s the _point_ , Lynch.” It was quiet for a few seconds. Adam cleared his throat. “You know. If it would help you sleep better and, um. Not be as scared. Or whatever. I just, don’t want you to be a walking zombie tomorrow. We have a lot of work to do for Gansey. He won’t like it.” Adam was rambling, and his excuse was nonsensical. He cringed at himself and immediately regretted that he opened his mouth at all. “You know what, forget I said anyth—“

“Alright.” Ronan’s voice was so quiet that Adam wasn’t sure he had heard correctly.

“I—alright?”

“Alright,” Ronan repeated.

Adam moved to the far right of his mattress to make space for Ronan, and then he waited. He heard Ronan take a deep breath, a preparatory breath, as if steeling him for another horror movie. He got up and slowly sat on the left of the mattress, laid his head down. Though they were extremely close, both of them lying on their backs on the tiny mattress, they still weren’t touching. Adam decided to change that.

When he shifted towards him, he heard Ronan inhale sharply again, just as he had done when they were watching the movie. When Adam snuck a glance at him, his eyes were closed tight, his lips just slightly parted. His body was stiff. Adam closed his eyes too.

He pretended to be asleep for about twenty minutes, waiting until Ronan’s breath seemed steady. Then he turned his head towards the other boy, and found Ronan looking back at him. Neither of them looked away, this time.

“Still afraid?” Adam asked softly.

“Yeah,” Ronan said, just as softly. Adam was surprised at the confession. 

 _Oh no_ , Adam thought. _Looks like the damn spirit is possessing me again_. He didn’t really believe it, though, even as the words passed through his mind.

Adam had noticed a lot of things, guessed a lot of things, thought a lot of things, assumed a lot of things about Ronan Lynch. He had noticed Ronan’s eyes lingering on him when Ronan thought he wasn’t looking. He’d noticed the random kind gestures that became more and more frequent, the rent, the lotion, the mix tape. He guessed that all those things meant something. He guessed that Ronan Lynch wasn’t straight. He thought that Ronan had feelings for him. He assumed that Ronan had a crush on him, and then he assumed that he was just being narcissistic and ridiculous, that he could never be worthy of someone like Ronan. Then he went back to the former idea. The point was, he wasn’t sure of anything about Ronan. He would probably never be sure, because the doubts and insecurities that plagued his mind would never go away completely.

But the one thing he was sure of in that moment, was that he really wanted to fucking kiss Ronan Lynch. 

They were still staring at each other, their faces only an inch or two apart. Adam lifted his head up, leaned towards Ronan so that his body was partially on top of him. _No going back now_. Ronan’s eyes were wide, like Adam’s face was a laptop screen with Child’s Play playing on it. He looked confused.

Adam slowly moved his right hand towards Ronan’s face, then touched his cheek. Ronan’s eyes fluttered shut and Adam thought he heard him let out the smallest sigh. “Parrish.” Ronan’s voice was breathy, the quietest whisper Adam had heard yet. “What… are you doing?” He seemed to have a hard time getting the words out.

 _It’s now or never._ Adam prepared himself. “What do you think I’m doing,” he whispered, and closed the already tiny gap between their lips.

It was pretty chaste kiss, just closed lips touching for about five seconds. When Adam pulled back, Ronan’s face was frozen in shock, his lips parted in complete surprise, and though there was barely any light, Adam could tell his cheeks were red. “So,” Adam said, all casual. “Are you still scared?”

Ronan let out a shaky breath. “I’m fucking _terrified_.” 

Adam smiled and started to lean in again, but Ronan put his hand between their lips. “No. Wait.”

Adam frowned. “What’s wrong?” He knew it wasn’t fair, he knew it was an overreaction, but still, all his doubts came rushing back in full force.

“I- just. Why did you do that?”

Adam sat up, worried for real now. “I’m sorry, should I not have…? I thought… I thought you… I’m sorry.” He knew his face was burning. He wanted to erase this whole night. He wanted to sleep for a million years. 

“No, Parrish, don’t… don’t be sorry. I just meant. I thought you liked girls.”

He turned to look at Ronan, understanding dawning on him. He felt like he could breathe again. Ronan’s face looked unsure and vulnerable. Adam wanted to kiss him again. “I do like girls,” Adam said slowly. “But… I guess. I like boys, too.” Or, well, _boy._ Ronan was the only boy he had had feelings for thus far. At least as far as he had realized. He hadn’t thought about it enough. He’d been scared to think about it for so long, afraid of what it might mean. He was still afraid.

 _I think you’re awfully brave_. Blue’s words echoed in his mind. He chose tonight to start being brave again. He chose tonight to finally face his fear.

Ronan didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Adam thought his heart might have stopped beating. “You… like boys.” His voice was almost awed, disbelieving, as if he thought he was dreaming.

“I like boys,” Adam confirmed. “I like you.”

“You like me,” Ronan repeated.

“Are you just gonna repeat everything I say?”

Ronan didn’t seem to have heard him. “You _like me_ ,” Ronan said again, the disbelief still filling his tone. “Fuck. Shit.” Ronan rubbed his hand over his shaved head, a common habit when he was nervous. 

Adam grinned, amused. “Do you need me to hold your hand again?”

Ronan looked at him. “Well, if you wanted to, I wouldn’t complain.”

Adam didn’t hold his hand, but he did lean in to kiss him again. This time, Ronan kissed him back. His lips were impossibly gentle. Adam didn’t think Ronan of all people would be capable of being this gentle, this careful. Ronan’s hand came up to cradle Adam’s cheek, his fingers caressing his skin, softly. Adam sighed into his mouth. When Ronan pulled back, they were both breathing hard, even though this kiss was relatively chaste too. They leaned their foreheads against each other, taking each other in. Adam didn’t know what he expected kissing Ronan Lynch to be like, but he definitely hadn’t expected that. 

“God, I’m… fuck.” Ronan’s voice was still filled with awe, though the disbelief finally seemed to be gone. Ronan took a deep breath, and said, “ _Adam_.” 

It was just one word, two syllables. _Adam_. His first name, something he’d heard a million times before, though not very often from Ronan. _Adam_. It shouldn’t have had the effect that it did. _Adam_. But he couldn’t help it. Because when Ronan Lynch said _Adam_ , it didn’t just sound like any word. It sounded like a prayer, it sounded like worship, it sounded like _God_ , it sounded like awe and wonder, it sounded like _you’re a goddamn miracle_ , it sounded like _Jesus, I want you so much_ , it sounded like _I fucking love you_.

That was the wonder of Ronan Lynch, Adam supposed. Maybe a picture was worth a thousand words, but Ronan’s one word was priceless. He could say everything he needed to say in one word, or in a small gesture, or in a longing look. You just had to pay attention.

But Adam wasn’t like Ronan. He needed words. He needed control. He needed to spell it out and _say it_ , he needed to get all of this out of him. 

“Ronan, I…” But before he could finish, Ronan kissed him again. So maybe he didn’t need words after all; he could let his lips do all the talking. At least for now.

This time, both of them were less gentle, less hesitant, more wanting. Adam pulled Ronan down until Adam’s back was pressed against his mattress and he could feel Ronan’s weight on top of him. Ronan’s arms wrapped around Adam’s waist, and Adam wrapped his around Ronan’s neck, letting his fingers run over Ronan’s shaved head. He heard Ronan gasp against his mouth. Adam opened Ronan’s mouth with his own and their kisses got deeper and more intense.

Ronan pulled back for a moment, hovering with his lips just a breath away, his eyes meeting Adam’s, asking a question. _Are you okay?_ In response, Adam smiled and pulled Ronan’s lips back to his. Ronan hesitated, and then kissed the corner of Adam’s lips, his jaw, trailed kisses down his neck, kissing his collarbone. Adam couldn’t help the noise that escaped his lips. 

Then, Ronan brought his lips back to Adam’s face, kissed his closed eyelids, his forehead, his nose, every inch of his face that he could reach. Adam could feel himself blushing. He didn’t know why, but the way Ronan kissed him, so ridiculously gentle, so _reverent_ … he didn’t know how to handle it. All of this affection. It was so foreign to him. He suddenly didn’t feel so unknowable anymore. Instead, at least in that moment, words like _worthy_ and _loved_ replaced _unknowable_ and _lonesome_. 

When Ronan finally pulled away, he smiled at Adam, a real, genuine smile, and _god_ , Adam knew it was a cliché, but his face lit up like the sun. What surprised Adam even more was that the smile was… embarrassed, shy, almost. “Sorry,” Ronan whispered. “I guess I got a little carried away. I just…” he took Adam’s hand in his own then, their fingers intertwining. “I just can’t believe I’m actually awake.”

Adam felt an indescribable feeling deep inside him, and it filled him up so much he thought he might start crying. He wondered how often Ronan had dreamed about this. About him. About them. “This isn’t a dream, Ronan. I promise.”

Ronan smiled again, looking a little relieved. “That’s good to know.”

Adam was feeling bold, so he said, “By the way, just in case you were wondering, you’re a pretty good kisser.” All casual.

“That’s also good to know. So are you,” Ronan replied, all casual. Then, a little less casual, “I mean. I didn’t think I would be, since, well…” Ronan hesitated, sounding embarrassed. “Since. You know. I don’t exactly have a lot of experience.” The way Ronan said it, Adam instantly knew that _a lot_ _of_ meant _any_.

His eyes widened in surprise. “I… really? You hadn’t kissed anyone before? Wow.”

Ronan growled. “Well you don’t have to rub it in, Parrish.”

Adam felt himself grinning. “Don’t worry, I don’t have that much experience either. Two or three girls, maybe, and it wasn’t very good.”

“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

“No. Well, okay, maybe the ‘it wasn’t very good’ part isn’t true. But this was still a lot better.”

Ronan smiled. “Oh yeah?”

Adam nodded. “Yeah.”

They both stayed quiet for a few seconds, in the same position, their lips not touching, unsure of where to go next. Ronan cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um. So. We should probably…”

“Stop?”

Ronan nodded. “Yeah, it’s just…”

“A lot.” Adam could relate.

“Yeah.”

“Well thank god. I’m sleepy as hell, Lynch. We have to get up early tomorrow.” Ronan rolled his eyes, kissed Adam one last time, and lay down beside him. “Night, Ronan.”

“Night, Adam.” Ronan paused. “Parrish?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m just saying. I still fucking hate horror movies, but, y’know, if they result in you kissing me, then I’d be willing to give them another try.”

Adam laughed. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.”

 

*

 

When Adam woke up the next morning, Ronan’s arms were around him, and he was fast asleep, looking more at peace than he had ever seen him.

 

*

 

“Are you sure you want to do this, Ronan?”

“How many times are you going to ask me that, Parrish?”

“When you finally admit that you don’t want to do this.”

“Just put the fucking movie on, okay?”

Adam sighed. A week later, they were at St. Agnes, again, watching a horror movie, again. Adam hadn’t _actually_ planned on holding Ronan to his sentiment about trying a horror film again, but Ronan had insisted. “I need to get my pride back, Parrish,” he’d said, and eventually, Adam relented.

This time, Ronan had brought some popcorn, and they sat on Adam’s mattress again, Adam’s head leaning on Ronan’s shoulder, their fingers intertwined. “You know,” Adam mused, “You should have invited Gansey. I’d be curious to see which one of you cries the most.” 

“I did not _cry_ ,” Ronan said, indignant. He paused. “Did Gansey?”

“No,” Adam said. “But I think he was close to crying. He might have, if he hadn’t left halfway through. Hell, I would’ve started crying if he’d stayed, he was clutching my arm so hard. It was painful.”

Ronan laughed. “Well, it’s a good thing you haven’t told him about my fear, because that means I can make fun of him all I want.” Ronan considered. “Plus, it’s a good thing you didn’t invite him. Because that means I can do this.” When Ronan kissed him, Adam felt that indescribable feeling again. Or maybe it wasn’t so indescribable anymore. Maybe what Adam was feeling was just one word, one syllable: _home_.

They hadn’t told Gansey, or anyone else, yet, of course. It was still early, and neither of them was quite ready yet, though Adam thought they would be soon.

When the title came on screen - they were watching The Ring, which Adam thought would be scarier than Child’s Play, so he was curious to see how this would go – he heard Ronan clear his throat. “So. Parrish.”

“Changed your mind, Lynch?”

Ronan scoffed. “No. But I have a proposition for you.”

“Really? Let’s hear it.”

“Well, I was thinking. You know, since I’ll be so scared and all, maybe, whenever a scary scene comes on, if you want to make me feel better, you could just make out with me, so I won’t feel scared during it. It’s just a suggestion.”

Adam grinned at him. He seemed to be doing a lot of that in the past week. “Deal.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @adamganseys or tumblr @lorelaiglmore. Any reviews and feedback would be super awesome.


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